There's waiting for the simple blood test results in the ER, waiting for an email back from the nautropath about supplement instructions, waiting for test results from the more intense labwork done to check on disease status, waiting for certain medications and/or supplements to arrive, waiting for a paycheck to pay for the next round of supplements and naturopath visits, waiting….for my body to heal.
A lot of people wait for a lot of different things. There's nothing truly profound in waiting. Having my patience tested, ok I can see the silver lining in that: self-development. Having my hope deferred, that doesn't feel so promising. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. And not only the heart, the mind and body feel it too. I have climbed what seemed like a mountain, only to find it was another foothill to the next mountain. The profound in the waiting is what is discovered and kept close to the heart in the waiting. The "gold" so to speak. I have found waiting seasons to be very active ones internally for me. The key to unlock the treasure in my own waiting for physical wholeness has been gratefulness at each foothill, gratefulness and the realization that just because ALL is not well, doesn't mean I am not loved, or that I'm not healing.
There's this poetic verse in the Bible that says "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face, now I know in part, but then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." In my journey of waiting, I have imagined myself brightening up a dim mirror, a little squeak and shine here and there, getting glimpses of a fullness I'm building towards--or just letting "be" in a moment. Perhaps there's a deeper, truer part of me that really knows...me, Beth, is her purest essence. Is this Nirvana? Heaven? I don't know, but I do know the dim days are nothing compared to the "face to face" days ahead. Imagine looking into other beings eyes, seeing only golden rivers of goodness, bright lamps of spirits, reaching down into their depths, from when they were a baby, born, lovely. Is it too ridiculous to have a goal of earth as a home that is centered around loving relationships and undiluted clarity?
The worth of what I wait for is why I wait. That means, in my waiting, what I've been discovering the most, and battling with the most, is the "why." I love asking "why?" I love "getting to the bottom" of things. This means, when I have a physical aliment that I can't pinpoint the cause to, it's deeply frustrating. In relation, the spiritual questions that come with these physical conundrums have led to many moments of dissatisfaction in the present. I can find I'm not satisfied with an experience in the present, because I'm waiting for some form of fullness I can't quite put my finger on. That's because what I'm waiting for is perfection--the perfect home, conversation, body, relationship. I don't mean this strictly in the physical sense, I mean a perfection of mind and soul, a resting place for my restless spirit.
An answer to all the analyzing in my head.
A perfect "state of being" with myself and with others.
What's more, I want this perfection of existence not just for myself, but for every person on this earth. Leaning into the perfect means having the courage to wade through all the crap of the perverted. I have found that abundance doesn't come from magic, it comes from healing, and healing comes THROUGH trial. I don't have a magic button I push to produce whole health of being in myself or those around me. I don't have magic spells. I have the reality, which is my faith and belief, in an existence that's based on an inner wellness that "wells" up to pure fountains of goodness in me. These springs and rivers inside are what I've seen give many physically sick people peace and joy even as their bodies pass from this earth. These waters of life are also what I've discovered has helped people wait for rescue and relief in terrible suffering.
For myself, in the waiting, when I can come closer to these streams of life, to these rivers of abundance, I find drinking in the beauty of what I have, not what I "have not," gives me the satisfaction of being in the present. Even as I wait, in the larger sense, for a permanent peaceful state of being, I find I can, miraculously, be still and enjoy "the rivers of life" in the present. I engage my mind in grateful practices of helping others, creating, and singing and dancing my gratefulness in tunes of newness. As I engage with myself in practices to ward off being self-absorbed, I find a pause in my present waiting, a sense of being outside of the trappings of time, wrapped in a sweetness of being internally present with all other beings and perhaps even consciousness outside my consciousness, (Quantum physics has been showing it's beautiful colors to me). I sense presence in trees, mountains, oceans, bees, and in the air around me.
The inner place of being perfect is right here, in me, present, perfect, full. I may grasp this completeness dimly, but I grasp and hold on. This paradoxal relationship with myself doesn't have to be full of angst. I wait, for a face to face meeting. I wait, with peace.
So, the gold of my waiting: manifestation of goodness into the world. Worthy of the patience I need to learn.
And the goodness will come, streaming into me.